Hi, I'm Rosanna. I'm a mum of two and a birth and traditional postpartum dealer. After my own births and postpartum periods, I decided to create Odyssey of Motherhood to provide the village that we all need through this massive transition. I hope that my podcast, The Odyssey, is an extension of this village and you feel seen and heard in the things that I discuss. The first episode talks about my journey into motherhood and the sudden loss of my mum around the time my first baby was born. This was my beginning of motherhood, and I've learned so much about my nervous system, how to care for myself, and the support that I need as a result of losing the one person that I expected to be there throughout this journey. Just a trigger warning, it is very emotional. I do discuss death, I do discuss illness, and this may be triggering for some people. Welcome to the Odyssey podcast. I do have a lot of imposter syndrome over this. But I'm gonna roll with it. I felt really called to making this, mainly because I was thrown into a situation that I didn't anticipate shortly after the birth of my first son. So when my son was 11 weeks old, my mum actually passed away from an aggressive form of breast cancer, and there were there were no signs, it was really, really sudden. She was pretty much the end of her life when my baby was born. However, looking back, I feel like the signs probably were there, and I'm thinking about my first trimester and the fact that my mum would would ring me and she'd be in bed too with with feeling sick, and I was obviously you know in the throes of morning sickness, so we would just sort of struggle together, and she should say that she was doing the first trimester with me in solidarity. However, I look back and we would laugh about it because I had a pretty rough first trimester, not as bad as as she had, so I I do know that she had high premises with me, and I know that a lot of women do suffer with that, and there's not enough information and support out there for HD. But when she wasn't even in the area when I had my baby, it was kind of a first sign that something might be up. So my parents moved to Cornwall the October before the birth of my first baby, so he was born in the May, the following May, and it was supposed to be for retirement for them, and my brother loved being by the sea. So they were far away, but the plan always was that mum would be near me. We decided she wasn't going to be a birth partner, so I was just going to have my husband, but she was going to be in the hospital, she was going to be nearby, and yeah, ultimately there to immediately celebrate the birth of the baby. In the end, it was just too much, the journeys were too much. Again, didn't think much of that either. She was always so I don't know, she was always able to carry on driving, and she would just yeah, listen to her music on loud and and power through a long journey, but she was having to stop and rest quite a bit. So there were signs, and I think it's always easy to look back in hindsight. Anyway, she was absolutely delighted. Of course, she was one of the first people that we sent pictures of the baby to, and she was the first person that I wanted to tell my birth story to. And I think I think back to when I was a child and she would just tell everyone the birth stories, and I would cringe, like, do we really need to listen to this again? Or my birthday. It was always on my birthday, on my brother's birthday, we'd get the full birth story. I just, yeah, I was like, please stop. Now I'm a mum. Oh my goodness, all I want to talk about is my birth story. Massive achievement, massive transition. So yeah, I wish I could sit with her now and listen to the birth stories over and over and over again and just hold that space for her. But what I'm doing now and the route that I've gone down and the way that I hold other women is my way of doing that for her. Whether it's in like an ancestral healing way, a generational healing way, I feel very, very called to this, as I've said. Anyway, I was freshly postpartum, my new baby, that I was just so proud of my delivery, and I think there's there's not always the space, it doesn't feel like there's always the space to talk about a birth story that you're proud of. And sadly, I think that that just reflects the maternity system and most women's experience of the maternity system and birth, that there's so much trauma and disappointment, and we carry that as mums. I just wanted to shout from the rooftops about my story. My baby was OP, so he was a back-to-back presentation, and no matter what I did, I'd got in all of the upward-forward positions, no matter what I did, he wasn't gonna budge. And in fact, he did a 360, a little corkscrew inside me during labour, and I had a really difficult experience with some of the professionals that I had encountered during the early Labour, just making me feel a bit rubbish, like a first-time mum who had no idea what labour was gonna be like. But I did in the end have a phenomenal midwife who was there when I delivered my son. She'd told me that she thought that the baby was back to back and that would explain my pain. And oh my goodness, those words made all the difference. It's a real example of how words hold immense power, and ultimately we just need people to champion us, particularly in the birth space. So my my mum uh eventually came from Cornwall with my dad and my brother, and she was of course delighted, her first grandchild, and she did want to listen to my birth story and see how I was getting on with getting the baby to latch. So I think she'd managed to breastfeed breastfeed me for six weeks, and then she didn't breastfeed my brother. I never really talked to her in depth about it, but I do wonder whether that's something that that stuck with her and she she wished that she could have breastfed for a longer period of time. Likely due to lack of support, I am actually breastfeeding peer supporter now, so I see even now the lack of support and still a push for breastfeeding, so we've still got a long way to go. But again, looking back, it it's it's it's a in hindsight thing. Because in the moment I was just lost in my own recovery. I had a really bruised perineum, I was in a lot of pain and emotional the milk transitioning. 5 pm every night I would just be in tears. But she struggled to hold the baby. She needed cushions, she needed um yeah, she need like a like a like a toddler, I suppose. If you give a toddler a baby and you sort of pad it out with cushions. It was like that, and it I think because of the pain that she was in. And I remember feeling really angry, thinking, why are you not helping me right now? I remember feeling really angry, you know, I need you, I need you the more than I've ever needed you in this moment, and you aren't quite showing up the way that I had hoped. And she always did. Well, she was always there, she was always fixing problems and very defensive of her children, so I just couldn't understand it. After that, things just went really, really quickly. My first six weeks were went past in a in the blink of an eye. And I think that that's one of my main motivators when it comes to what I now do and what I now talk about. I found myself at the intersection of two massive, massive events, birth and death, life and death, and I found that to be understandably so monumental. And even feeding, you know, I'm gonna talk really openly and honestly about this, and I understand that it could be triggering for people, but for me, what was sustaining my baby was also in my mother what led to her demise. So that felt um felt quite hard to digest. I I just sat with it, I remember sitting with it, and I was so grateful to have had an easy feeding journey. I think that life had dealt me a fair few things at that point, so I didn't actually struggle when it came to feeding my first son, and thank goodness because he was with me all the time. He was with me in in hospital, he was with me in hospice, and we spent a lot of time together, mum and I, in the end, and I suppose I did rest in a way that I didn't with my second baby, because that's all my mum could do, and I was with her. So there is something beautiful about the whole experience, as tragic as it was. But yes, uh it it we we stayed at down in Cornwall for a long period of time, and it was when he was 11 weeks that that my mum finally passed. So, what's led me here? That definitely, and I have mentioned that my experience with the postpartum the first time around and not having the village anyway, but not even my mum, was a massive motivator for for going down this route and looking into traditional postpartum care. But I I've got to talk about what I had to do in order to get there, and that was stepping away from a career that I loved and still adore teaching, but I had the primal pull of motherhood, which no one prepares you for. I think hypothetically, when I was pregnant and we were looking around nurseries, it was very different to what happened when the baby got here, and I was second in department, so you know I had to work a certain number of days a week in order to keep that role, and I loved that role. Ultimately, I made the decision that in order to do the job the way that I wanted to do it, I couldn't reduce my days, but I didn't feel that I wanted to leave my baby. And I think the fact I'd seen how short life was and it sounds so cliche, was one of the big reasons why I even contemplated being a stay-at-home mum. It wasn't something that I fully understood before I had children, and I think that I actually grew up in a space where the narrative was incredibly negative about it, and I'm unlearning a lot. It's a really, really hard job, and I admire women who who do step away from their careers. I certainly feel that I've given up a lot in order to be with my children, and I also understand that I'm very privileged that I've been able to do so. The struggles that women go through trying to navigate motherhood and also navigate a career and a pre-baby identity is massive, and as much as it's great that we can strive to continue our careers and also be mums, it's a massive, massive weight, and the invisible load is huge. So, is this podcast for you? I feel like I should have said this at the beginning because you've had to listen to me ramble if you're still here. This podcast is for anyone who is in a mothering role, it doesn't necessarily have to be a mother of your own children, you could be in a mothering role for your siblings, you could be in a mothering role for your parents or any other family members, you could be in a mothering role for your friends. If you feel that there's a massive part of your identity that you would define as mothering, then I'd like to think you're in the right place, and this isn't just about postpartum. I want to create a space where I can talk openly about the highs and lows of also just being a woman, and I hope to bring in some wonderful people who can help me, who have so much expertise, so much knowledge, whether that be through experience and birth work, just women's work in general, or just life experience. I think there's so much value in creating the village and creating a space where we can seek wisdom from others and provide wisdom where we're able to, because it is about reciprocal relationships, and losing my mum thrust me into spaces with women that intimidated me big time before I just avoided them. It would always be I'll go out for an Apollo spritz with mum, I don't need to go out with anyone else. And I realised how unhealthy that was, firstly, but I also realised what I was missing, and so again, and another positive that's come out of this is that I have been forced to lean on other women and see the strength of other women when we all come together in solidarity. So this is a space where I want to create that with my narrative, but also the wonderful people around me and the amazing things that they're doing in the world. So I think it's important to just talk about my postpartum. I've mentioned about my postpartum with my first baby, but another significant factor in guiding me down this path was my experience with my second baby. So I actually had a doula myself for my second baby, and her name was Nat, she's incredible. She was perfect for that birth and perfect for that pregnancy. I was incredibly vulnerable. I found myself navigating the maternity system from the perspective of a higher risk pregnancy, which I didn't have the first time around. My baby was an SGA baby, so he was smaller, small for gestational age, and the fear was that he was a lot smaller than he ended up being. So I was having two weekly scans. I should say fortnightly, actually, it's a bit confusing. I didn't have two a week, I had fortnightly scans, and I just remember voice noting that all the time. I would come out of appointments and I would voice note her, and she would send back the most beautiful voice notes of just support, unwavering support, really championing me as her client, and I think that that's really important. And I will, as we go through these episodes, talk about the role of a doula, what exactly they do, because it isn't a clinical role, but there's value in roles, even if they're not clinical, and I think it's very easy for us to just get lost down a medicalised route. And you know, of course, people have immense knowledge and they have their qualifications and they have clinical experience, but you are a human being and you are an individual, and sadly, the system is not geared towards you as an individual, but instead, we're put in a collective pot that mightn't be relevant to us more often than not isn't. So I just think it's really important for us to know what exactly the space is that we're going into and how that space can serve us, and really the times where it isn't serving us. Anyway, after birthing my baby, my back-to-back baby the first time around, not feeling particularly supported in a hospital setting, I was very empowered to plan a home birth the second time around. However, as mentioned, I did have a higher risk pregnancy, so it was not something that my consultant or midwives were in support of. Sadly, there is a risk that that might change. Currently, home births are suspended in Gloucestershire and I'm in Wiltshire. So it was a battle. The narrative was very, very harrowing. What could happen if things didn't go to plan? The amount of paperwork I had to sign, liability, litigation. It was a lot. And there even had to be a declaration when the midwives walked into my birth at home that this was against clinical guidance. So it was a lot for someone with hormones everywhere trying to plan this birth and promote oxytocin bubble. It was just counter counter-oxytocin bubble, I'd say. So yeah, Nat was great. And Nat did gatekeep, and she protected me, and she communicated with the medical staff, so the midwives during my birth, beautifully, and really advocated to my wishes, which is what a doula should be doing, advocating to your wishes as a client. And the birth was absolutely fine, lovely. I say fine, I should say it was beautiful, it was, but what made it more challenging for me was what happened afterwards. So my baby boy, my second baby boy, came out in the water, my husband caught him, put him on my chest, that was wonderful, and he cried, which is what we all want to hear, and he then went a little bit more limp, and knowing him as I do, it's just just him. Every baby's different. But I was so panicky. I'd had this narrative the whole pregnancy, and even even when you're trying to just bat it off, it some of it gets in, some of it infiltrates. So I I was petrified, and the midwives were amazing, they were really reassuring, but they got got to a point where they were worried too. And looking back, it wasn't it wasn't a long period of time because the cord was cut and it was the blood was still pulsing, so yeah, it hadn't been long, and they were great, they administered some oxygen, he didn't really need it, but there was no communication, I didn't know what was going on, and that was really traumatic for me. And what followed for me, just from an instinct perspective as a mum, explained was explained so so what what ended up happening was definitely explained by him being put on a cold table and given oxygen rather than being on his mum's chest. He needed a lot of co-regulation, and I did too, so I suppose it was it was the best thing for both of us, but it was a lot, it was very, very demanding in the postpartum, particularly with a toddler as well. And then we had to go to hospital, and I did have to argue to be in the same ambulance as my baby. They were trying to take us in separate ambulances, so I'd managed to argue that. I said he needs to be with me, he needs to be on me, I need to try and establish breastfeeding. So we did that, went into hospital, and yeah, everything was fine. Everything was fine, but but we were there, and I remember him latching. And sometimes I think too much knowledge can be unhelpful. I remember thinking, oh, I'll have to address that when I get home. And he clamped, clamped down on the nipple, and I thought we'll just leave it be for now and I'll try and establish a deeper latch when we're in in our bed, we're at home. It's a much calmer environment than hospital. Anyway, we got home and it was about 24 hours after the birth. He was managing with the feeding, I was sort of getting a deeper latch, but by the next night he was so frustrated and so exhausted, and he would just get so worked up. And I knew that him getting worked up was then leading to me getting worked up, and that just wasn't conducive to a calm feeding experience. So I made the decision then to protect my milk supply and make sure that he was getting what he needed, and I began to pump with the view of pumping and offering the breast, doing a little bit of a combination feeding situation. Anyway, it it wasn't great. Some days he would latch and he'd be fine, and other days absolutely not. He would scream if I put my breast anywhere near him. That was hard and very, very difficult to process as a new mum again, and every time we have a baby, it's another rite of passage, like we're born again in a different way. You know, you don't just have your first baby and that's it, you're in retrescence, and every baby or situation that follows in that season is is the same, is not. I'm a different version of mother than I was the first time around. So I couldn't cope with the fact my baby was rejecting me. He wasn't, but that is absolutely how it feels. That I'm the one who should be able to provide you comfort and food, and you are just pushing away and you don't want it. So we took him to an osteopath. We had an osteopath release some tension, a lactation consultant, incredible lactation consultant who works locally, she does an insane amount of voluntary work within the community. We're very lucky. Her name's Eleanor, and she also trained him as a pair supporter, so I was straight to Eleanor with this feeding issue. And she diagnosed a tongue tie, we got the tongue tie cut. So all the things that would be recommended when you're having trouble feeding your baby, all of those things. Yeah, nothing worked. So I found myself with a baby who didn't want to be put down at all, which is very normal, but I was baby wearing and then having to find the time to take the baby out of the sling, not to feed him but to pump, whilst also trying to be there for my toddler. And I realised this is too much. I shouldn't have been doing all of that, and I had no support. And even if my mum was here, it wouldn't have been enough because she would have done everything that she could do with the tools that she had and the experience that she had. But this is another really important thing, and I do want to address this going forward. You may have a good relationship with people and think that they can provide you with the support that you need at this vulnerable transition, but boundaries, lived experience, own traumas, we carry them and they do end up being projected on you, even if somebody doesn't plan to do that. This isn't about intentionally wanting to cause harm or to stress someone out or make them feel invalidated. It just happens. And because it's so vulnerable, because it's such a massive transition that other women have been through, and particularly women who are close to you, it can bring back a lot. So this is another reason for actually having somebody who's outside of your circle provide you with that nurturing care during that time. I'd also really wanted to safely bed share the second time around because I was scaremongered into doing the next to me crib the first time around, which was fine. We managed just fine. We had a really, like I said, a really successful feeding journey, but I knew that it would be much easier to feed my baby, and I was uh educated on safe sleep, so it was something that my husband and I wanted to do. He was not having it, the baby was not having it, bless him. He just wanted to be on our chests. So, no joke, six months we took turns to sit up. We'd split the night, and we would take turns to sit awake. I read books, I watched shows, anything I could to stay awake, and then when I felt myself reaching a point where I could have fallen asleep, that's when I would wake my husband in with so we did that for six months. Like I said, he just needed that regulation. I'm so glad that we did, but it was a lot. And the crying, he was a baby that cried a lot, and again, all babies are different, but I don't think that we're prepared for babies that cry excessively. It wears you down, it's incredibly overwhelming, and even now I can feel myself welling up over the thought of it, that you know, the memory of that, coupled with the guilt of bringing this new baby into our family that naturally is taking so much of our time. And I had a toddler too, who had been an incredible pillar of support for me without knowing. I don't know how I would have got through losing my mum without my first baby, so it was a lot, and we recognised it, we ended up paying for some postnatal hours with with Nat, our doula, and she was great. But I remember coming away from the whole experience and thinking, there's something else, like there's got to be something else out there, and that's when I started researching traditional post-palm care. And that was the start of my journey, the journey that I'm on now, and what has inspired me to continue to grow Odyssey of Motherhood, what has inspired me to hold women in multiple ways. I have got some incredible teachers, and I love the fact that I'm in a space where people just talk about how they're always learning. That I look at my teachers and just think there's so much wisdom there, because there is, but they're learning too, and they go and continue to learn, and they learn from elders and women who've who've walked the path before. And there's just something so beautiful about recreating the village that we lost. So that's what this podcast will be about. I'm not sure it's got a very, very clear structure at the moment, but I'm really excited to see where it goes. And thank you so much for listening.